Category Archives: Football

The No Fun League strikes again: Dunking on the goalposts will now be a penalty

nofun

 

From Paul Pabst’s twitter feed. The NFL is really trying to take all the fun out of scoring a touchdown. It seems like every year they ban some kind of celebration. First it was dancing, then it was group celebrations, now dunking. What’s next to go? If they ban spiking the ball, there will literally be no celebrations left to do. It’s gonna get to the point that if a player does anything other than immediately run off the field, the refs are gonna throw a flag. It’s ridiculous.

aldon
The future of touchdown celebrations

I remember the good old days (and by that I mean like 5 years ago) when players like TO and Ocho Cinco made touchdown celebrations an art. Who could forget the classics:

Sad, sad day for happiness in the NFL.

Marshawn Lynch’s love for Skittles knows no bounds

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From Shawn Lynch’s twitter. Remember how a few days ago I said I needed those glorious Fresno Grizzlies jerseys more than anything else in the world? I take that back. Now I need this Skittle jersey more than ever. Actually, scratch that. I still want a TMNT jersey more than anything, but I also want to have everything I own to be made out of Skittles. I want this to be my life:

)

…minus the depressing part where everything crumbles and dies. Jesus that got dark.

But back to Lynch. Has anyone ever loved something as much as he loves Skittles? I dare you to find anyone with a stronger bond than Marshawn and Skittles. There is literally nothing that would stop him from buying them, eating them, or having random articles of clothing custom made out of them. The Seahawks could offer him a lifetime contract under the condition he stops eating Skittles and he would turn it down. Dude is gonna eat Skittles til the day he dies.*

zMLS

*Which will be in 15 years, at the age of 42, from Type II Diabetes.

New Orleans Saints plan on trading Darren Sproles, forget to tell him about it

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Found on reddit, courtesy of deadspin.com. This has got to be one of the worst off seasons in recent memory for the Saints (not including that bounty shit). First, they franchise Jimmy Graham to prevent him form hitting free agency which on paper looks good. But they franchised him as a TE, not a WR, screwing him out of a lot of money (franchise tags for WR are about $20mil higher than TEs). They then let a bunch of notable player walk, including Lance Moore, Will Smith, and Jon Vilma to name a few, which only pissed off Graham even more, leading him to tweet out this:

jgtweet

 

So the obvious response by the Saints should be to pay Jimmy Graham right? He’s your superstar, gotta compensate him like one unless you want him to be pissed off all year and walk next off season. Seems like the smartest possible next step for the Saints. Nope, instead they went out and dropped $56mil on a new safety and put another face of the franchise, Darren Sproles, on the block. They also skipped over the tiny formality of actually telling Sproles he was going to be traded. He found out on Twitter just like every other person in America. Not a good look.

Now I’m not a GM so I don’t really know what the Saints are thinking with these moves. But they better have some brilliant master plan in the wings because to the casual observer the Saints look like a disaster at this point. For every one step forward, it’s at least two steps back, if not more. Outside of Graham, there’s almost no play makers left of offense. Kenny Stills, Mark Ingram, and Pierre Thomas don’t scare anyone so they are really putting a lot of pressure on Drew Brees’ tiny little shoulders.

Friendly PSA: Ignore everything you hear regarding draft rumors over the next weeks

There’s a long gap in between the NFL Combine and the draft (for some reason the gap is getting bigger every year as Goodell tries harder and harder to eliminate the offseason. It’s NFL365 to him). And during that time, people love to talk about who’s going where, who looks like a bust, who is a future star, etc. And while anchors and sports writers are mainly talking out of their asses, everything a GM or team spokesman says is intentional and calculated. Whether or not it’s true doesn’t matter. There’s one thing every team lives by during this period: the only thing more valuable than real information is misinformation. Sometimes they have to lie through their teeth to hype up a player they have no intention of drafting, or completely shit on the guy they really want. This type of thinking serves two purposes. The first is if their team holds a really high pick, but the guy they want is graded as a mid to late round pick, they hype up another player that’s graded around where they are picking. This will make teams drafting behind them think that they might not get that player and should trade up. This adds more value to the pick than before, so the team putting out the bullshit can get who they want and extra picks if they trade out. The second purpose is if their team really wants someone to fall to them, they either hype up other players at the position or hate on the guy they want to convince others to avoid him. Some examples from the past few weeks:

  • The Cleveland Browns say they would rather draft Derek Carr over Johnny Manziel, maybe because Barry Switzer hates him, who knows. This comes weeks after they said they would do anything to draft Manziel. Verdict: Bullshit. Cleveland sits at 4 and 26 (thanks to Indy). They could easily draft either, but would prefer if one fell to 26 so they can get a top defensive player at 4. All they’re trying to do is get someone behind them, like Tampa Bay or Minnesota, to get nervous and try to trade up for a QB. Manziel is a popular name to hate, but Cleveland would love to have him, and would love him even more if they could trade back and turn his hype into picks.
  • The Atlanta Falcons want either Khalil Mack or Anthony Barr at 6. Verdict: Bullshit. When it comes to defensive ends, no matter what anyone says, they all want Clowney. Guy is destined for greatness and everyone knows it. Atlanta would love if Clowney fell to them at 6, so they’re starting the bullshit hype trains on the other defensive ends/outside linebackers early. Probably a Falcon scout who said he wouldn’t draft Clowney just to throw everyone off.
  • Apparently there is a market for Mike Vick, and his likely landing spot is Oakland. Verdict: Bullshit, once again. A few weeks ago it was a sure thing that Vick was going to the Jets and the Raiders loved Manziel and could take him at 5. The thing is, they already have a QB who plays like the both of them on roster already in Terrelle Pryor. Pryor also was the most successful QB the Raiders had last season so there’s no reason to give up on him and bring someone else in. Raiders are likely to trade out of the 5 and bring in neither.
  • Most of the best players on the Dolphins may be on the trading block. Verdict: Actually most likely to be true. The Dolphins are trying to distance themselves from the bullying nonsense, so blowing up the team is not much of a stretch. They already fired a bunch of coaches, wouldn’t surprise anyone if they started getting rid of players as well to try and move up from 19. The Dolphins are saying none of them are up for trade, but that’s most likely misinformation to see if there is a market for them. 

So just remember to treat draft rumors the same way you treat any story that breaks on April 1st. Until something solid is presented, ignore everything and assume all the teams are putting out misinformation just to see the response to it. Deception pays, and every team wants to get the best deal. Trust no one.

trust

Richie Incognito is so committed to bullying that he even bullies himself

Originally TMZ reported that Incognito’s Ferrari was found in his driveway badly dented with a bat in the grill. Before anyone could form any assumptions, Incognito quickly cleared the air by telling the cops that he himself beat the shit out of it, no biggie. That’s commitment to character. Cut from your team so you can’t bully your teammates anymore? Bully yourself, plain and simple. Tiger can’t change his stripes. Richie has a need to verbally and mentally abuse someone, even if he is that someone. Just a devotion to his craft so intense that you gotta respect it. That’s a $300,000 car he ruined. Just taking bullying to levels never seen before. Probably going to beat himself up on his way to his own kitchen for lunch money. Wouldn’t surprise me.

In all seriousness, Richie Incognito might be the most mentally unstable person (that used to be) in the NFL. How he kept getting employed by NFL teams is baffling. It’s not like when he went to Miami he just decided to take up bullying as a hobby. This is who he’s always been, but somehow he not only got signed by Miami but made captain as well. Crazy life.

Is Ron Jaworski paid to be stupid? Serious question

So Jaw’s most recent bonehead quote came out today, when he said he wouldn’t draft Johnny Manziel in the first three rounds. Really Jaws? You wouldn’t take a Heisman winning quarterback until after the third round? You can honestly justify taking almost 100 players ahead of him? Really dude?

jmstat

Get that shit out of here you fat faced idiot. In just two years in college football’s toughest conference the kid put up monster numbers. A majority of the guys he played against are already pros, yet you have to gall to say he’s not even a top 100 player going into the draft. Just shut up. There’s no person on the planet whose opinion I respect less than Ron Jaworski’s and these kinds of quotes just prove it (I’m not including Skip Bayless in this because I don’t consider him a person. He’s a troll, through and through, and only says things that he knows will piss people off). Jaws even admits he hasn’t seen many of Manziel’s games (calling bullshit on that right now. EVERY single thing Manziel did was on was on ESPN 24/7 you liar), so not only is his opinion stupid but it’s coming from willful ignorance. Stupid on purpose, as I like to call it.

This is hardly the first time Jaws has been completely wrong regarding a player. Last year he said Colin Kaepernick could be the best QB of all time. This was after only half a season starting in which he took the 49ers exactly one game further than Alex Smith. Or how about last summer, when he legitimately ranked Joe Flacco as a better QB than Drew Brees. That’s right. To Jaws, Drew Brees, the guy who has set multiple records since joining the Saints, isn’t better than Trent Dilfer 2.0. ESPN continues to pay this man despite being completely wrong all the time. Because to ESPN, there is no bad press.

So to answer the question, Yes, Jaws is paid to be stupid. Because talking about how stupid his most recent quote is playing right into ESPN’s hand. Saying something normal and informed, like Johnny Football is a top 3 QB this year and will definitely be drafted in the top 20, doesn’t get people talking. It doesn’t create any controversy because it’s a commonly accepted opinion. If ESPN can separate itself from the pack, even if it means standing behind a completely retarded opinion, then it can create something out of nothing. Where there was no story, now there is one. The headline is no longer “QBs work out at the combine”. It’s now “Hear what Jaws had to say about this year’s QBs, only on SportsCenter”. Bullshit journalism 101.

Just because:

So Aaron Hernandez whooped some ass today

So TMZ is reporting that Hernandez got into another fight with an inmate today. Apparently the guy was talking shit to Hernandez when Aaron was locked up in solitary, but couldn’t back it up when the two met later in the hall. If you think it’s a coincidence that the guy who pissed off Hernandez just so happened to be the same guy stuck alone in a hall with him later, then you really don’t know how the real world works. This is some Goodfellas type shit. The second Hernandez got mad, there was probably just a bunch of nods, and before you know it Aaron’s got some one on one time with the dude.

But let’s get to the more important point here. I know criminals are usually dumb, but you have to be completely brain dead to start a fight with Aaron Hernandez. Well, the dude definitely is now but still. At what point did talking shit ever seem like a good idea? I mean, you’re telling me that this guy:

ah

the 6’3″ 250lbs freak athlete covered in tattoos, who’s in prison under suspicion of MULTIPLE murders and various gang connections might not be the best person to pick a fight with? No shit Sherlock. It’s also warm in the summer and wet when it rains, just FYI. I know fighting people in prison is a way to keep your self from daily assrape, but there’s gotta be a point where you step back and say, “No. That man played a sport where he willingly let his head and body collide with other 200+ pound men on a daily basis. Punching him may not be the best option.” Follow that up with some light reading on do-it-yourself shiv making and maybe keep yourself out of a fist induced coma. Thought this was common sense but I guess it needs to be said.

Also, on a semi-related note, it’s funny to see that “goes in tight end, comes out wide receiver joke” again. It’s been a while since everyone and their brother was making that joke. Ironic now, seeing how Hernandez is the one fucking everyone else up.