Holy shit bro give up on everything. Just call it a day because there is no coming back from this. I don’t think there is a worse possible answer to this question. I just can’t even fathom how you could associate Magic Johnson with hockey. Magic is tall and black, two words that have never been used to describe a hockey player. Even if you’re not a fan of hockey, you know who Wayne Gretzky is and how little he has in common with Magic Johnson. If anyone asks you a trivia question about hockey, Wayne Gretzky is the answer like 90% of the time. Dude holds almost every conceivable record for the sport. I guess this guy went on to win, so first thing he should do with those winnings is invest in an almanac. Or at least upgrade his cable package to include ESPN so he doesn’t look like an idiot next time someone asks him a sports-related question in the future.
Full picture and tweets here. John Kerry has probably never been called cool his entire life (and probably never going to be again), so this was surprisingly pretty cool of him. While I hate the fact that America Jr. gets 4 years of bragging rights over us, at least some sweet looking beer came from it. Way better looking than any beer that Canada would have sent us I can promise you that. Probably something terrible like Molson. So enjoy the wins and enjoy the beer Canada because it’s all you’re gonna get. It’s gonna be a while before we get over this one, so don’t ask for any favors.
So yesterday started off with one of the most devastating losses for the USA women’s hockey ever, maybe even one of the worst losses in all of sports. Just painful to watch. The US was up 2-0 with just over 3 minutes left in the 3rd period. They could practically feel the gold in between their teeth. And then Canada remembered it invented hockey and shit got real real, real quick:
From hope to disbelief to disappointment, all in about 30 minutes. Brutal. And the absolute, most gut-wrenching part came with just under 90 seconds left:
Empty net goal just bounces off the post. About 3 inches from sealing the win. Even though I consider women’s sports a less competitive/entertaining version of men’s sports, this was a great game. An instant classic. For Canada at least, but just agony for the US. This one especially hurts because there is no professional women’s hockey. These women have to wait 4 more years to get another shot at gold. 4 years of watching that puck bounce off the post and sit in front of the empty net. A punishment I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Unless that enemy was Canada.
And then, just to kick us while we’re down, the US men’s hockey team gets beat by Canada as well. 2 losses in the same sport to the same country in 24 hours. Fuck that. Luckily team sports only count as one medal so if America Jr. gets too uppity we can at least point at the scoreboard. 27>24 bitches. Put that in your poutine and smoke it.
South Park got it right 14 years ago. Blame Canada for making this weekend shitty. Blame them for whatever you want. They’ve done nothing since we invented them except dominate winter sports for 2 months every 4 years. Fact.