Category Archives: Sports

Friendly Reminder: Don’t believe a damn thing you read today

ljcavs

I don’t think it really needs to be said because any fan with a rational brain knows the drill for today, but I’ll say it anyways. Nothing posted today is true until it’s true tomorrow as well. Let’s not forget that people legitimately thought Jim Harbaugh was launching a clothing line last year and that the Memphis Grizzlies signed an 8′ center to the team. Everything today is bullshit, so just keeps your head down and wait for it all to die down. Even if an official spokesman or someone involved with the team is heavily backing something, don’t fall for it. Even your closest friends and family can’t be trusted. Nothing major will happen today because if someone wants to be taken seriously, they’re not gonna make a major announcement on a day dedicated to lies.

trust

The No Fun League strikes again: Dunking on the goalposts will now be a penalty

nofun

 

From Paul Pabst’s twitter feed. The NFL is really trying to take all the fun out of scoring a touchdown. It seems like every year they ban some kind of celebration. First it was dancing, then it was group celebrations, now dunking. What’s next to go? If they ban spiking the ball, there will literally be no celebrations left to do. It’s gonna get to the point that if a player does anything other than immediately run off the field, the refs are gonna throw a flag. It’s ridiculous.

aldon
The future of touchdown celebrations

I remember the good old days (and by that I mean like 5 years ago) when players like TO and Ocho Cinco made touchdown celebrations an art. Who could forget the classics:

Sad, sad day for happiness in the NFL.

The custom jersey barrage just won’t stop: Durham Bulls are breaking out the R2-D2 jerseys

 

r2d2

Article– I don’t know when the love affair started between minor league sports teams and crazy custom jerseys, but I for one hope it never ends. Whether it’s bacon gear, TMNT jerseys, or whatever, I love it. Doesn’t matter the team or the sport these jerseys will never get old. Can’t wait to see what’s next.

Undefeated no more; Wichita St. falls to Kentucky

uk-ws

Went down to the wire, but Kentucky pulled off a huge upset over previously undefeated Wichita St. An upset that no one saw coming. Except me. Over three weeks ago. I said they would be the first 1 seed to go down in the tourney and they were. Teams that aren’t in power conferences always rise up at the end of the season because they’re beating cupcakes while the Floridas and Louisvilles are going through grueling stretches of conference play. And every year they get overrated when it comes time to seed for the tournaments. It’s the Gonzaga effect. Wichita St. hadn’t faced a team with as much NBA-ready talent all year and it showed. Guys like Julius Randle and the Harrison twins went right at Wichita St. at the end and the Shockers couldn’t stop them. They hung in the game by making threes, but when those weren’t falling at the end Wichita St. just couldn’t match up with the athletes on Kentucky. The only reason Kentucky was seeded so low was because they started the season slowly, but that was to be expected of a team that makes a living off of one-and-done freshmen. But once Kentucky started playing as a team and not just individuals looking out for themselves, they were rolling. If you toss out the first month or so of the season and re-seed the teams, Kentucky would be a 3 or 4 seed easily. Really came on strong at the end  of the year. Florida, the best team in the country and #1 overall seed, barely scraped by them in the SEC Title game. No one saw Mercer or Dayton making any noise, but if you had Wichita St any further than the Sweet 16, you were just being foolish with your brackets. Stop watching ESPN and think for yourself. Or just listen to me because I’m usually right.

 

Ohio State cost a lot of people a billion dollars yesterday

Apparently over 80% of all brackets submitted had Ohio St beating Dayton, so the dreams of being a billionaire were crushed after the very first game for most people. Me included. Thanks for nothing Craft. Now I have to find another way to afford the greatest thing ever, which is of course a gold-plated jet-ski. So close, and yet so far away.

UPDATE: And now Duke has cost the rest of the country a billion dollars. Goddamn Buffett you sly genius. You win this round. Hopefully you make a ton more money selling all our personal info so you can offer this again next year. Gold-plated jet-skis coming in hot for 2015.

Toronto Raptor fans have been booing their team, after wins, because they didn’t get free pizza

torpiz

Article – In possibly the most absurd story of the week, Toronto Raptors fans have started a Twitter campaign and even a petition to end the pizza promotion at their home games. As of right now, if the Toronto Raptors win a home game AND score over 100 points, every fan gets a free slice of pizza. So every game that they don’t score 100 is met with boos, even if the team wins the game.

First of all, what the fuck Canada? Your whole shtick is that you’re a polite version of America so I have no idea where this shitty fan behavior is coming from. Being terrible fans and complaining about free things is as American as apple pie so don’t you dare try and steal this from us. I understand pizza is the greatest and most versatile food in history, but booing your division-leading basketball team just because you didn’t get a slice of it is about as shitty as it gets. Rioting over drive-thru level food is something that is exclusively American and something we take great pride in.

Secondly, your team is actually good Toronto. Enjoy it while you can. The only reason your team isn’t scoring over 100 every night is because they are 5th in the NBA in defense, holding opponents to 97 points a game. They don’t need to score 100 so they don’t. How about you just be thankful Canada is relevant in something other than hockey and shut the hell up. You’re bitching and moaning because your team is winning but you don’t get a free shitty snack after the game. It’s pretty stupid and you should feel stupid for doing it.

toronto
Somehow this is disappointing to Canadians.

And finally, the most unintentional source of comedy in recent years has gotta any website that allows the public to create a petition. These websites connected people with opinions to the people who have the power to make changes, and nothing has gone right since. I feel like the general stupidity of the public was vastly underestimated (the fact that searching for “dumbest” or “stupidest petitions” turns up the same results on Google as “smartest” or “best petitions” is very disturbing). George Carlin was truly ahead of his time because he knew how stupid people were getting almost 24 years ago. If you haven’t seen this yet you’re welcome in advance:

“Think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize, half of them are stupider than that.” -George Carlin

Words to live, no matter who you are.

The Cleveland Cavaliers court is way more impressive than the team that plays on it

As the Cavs continue to be terrible post-LeBron, fans finally have something to look forward to at game time. I don’t see how anyone in the building could stay seated during that intro. Electric to say the least. The only problem with it is the fact that the Cavaliers are literally one of the worst franchises in history and it showed in the highlights. Almost entirely dunks from regular season games. Which is no surprise since the Cavs have zero titles, no memorable moments or seasons (unless you count constantly losing to Jordan and the Bulls), and the best player in franchise history took his talents to South Beach a few years ago. Trying to make a highlight reel out of the Cleveland Cavaliers history has gotta be one of the most challenging things to do, right behind living in Cleveland without being a depressed alcoholic. So whoever put together the highlight reel together did both and deserves a lot of props.

Kinda related, but why has it taken so long for the NBA to project graphics on to the court? Tupac’s resurrection was in 2012 so the technology has been there just never used. Get with the times NBA. No excuse.