Holy shit bro give up on everything. Just call it a day because there is no coming back from this. I don’t think there is a worse possible answer to this question. I just can’t even fathom how you could associate Magic Johnson with hockey. Magic is tall and black, two words that have never been used to describe a hockey player. Even if you’re not a fan of hockey, you know who Wayne Gretzky is and how little he has in common with Magic Johnson. If anyone asks you a trivia question about hockey, Wayne Gretzky is the answer like 90% of the time. Dude holds almost every conceivable record for the sport. I guess this guy went on to win, so first thing he should do with those winnings is invest in an almanac. Or at least upgrade his cable package to include ESPN so he doesn’t look like an idiot next time someone asks him a sports-related question in the future.
Right now talks are just in the works but this looks like it could happen. Really want it to happen because the first Space Jam movie is what got me in to basketball in the first place. Seeing my favorite cartoon characters play this awesome game made me an instant fan of the NBA. I immediately asked my parents if we could go to some Sonics games and that was the year after they made the Finals against Jordan’s Bulls, so they were pretty fun to see. Watching guys like Gary Payton, Shawn Kemp, Vin Baker, and Ray Allen was awesome. The 90s to early 2000s were some of the best times to be a Sonics fan (we don’t talk about anything after 2008. The Thunder ARE NOT the new Sonics, so don’t ever call them that). And Space Jam was what started it all for me so you’re goddamn right I want a sequel. The big question now is who are gonna be the NBA stars who get their skills stolen by the MonStars? It’s gonna be hard to top the previous line-up of Patrick Ewing, Charles Barkley, Muggsy Bogues, Shawn Bradley, and Larry Johnson. So let’s make a starting 5 of active players who aren’t necessarily the best at their positions, but most likely to sign on to do a movie.
C-Dwight Howard. Even though there are many players better than him at the center position right now, Howard just has the goofy personality to star in an animated movie. While that type of attitude hasn’t earned him many friends since leaving Orlando, he seems to be good with kids and Warner Bros. are gonna eat that shit up. If this was 5 years ago the obvious answer is Shaq, but it’s not so Dwight gets the spot.
PF-Blake Griffin. He’s already extremely marketable and plays in LA so he’s almost a 100% lock to make the movie. Kids are already going to recognize him from his Gamefly commercials and when he jumped over that KIA a few years ago at the dunk contest. His acting is stiff, but he’s really the best choice.
SF-Kevin Love. This selection seems a bit out there but there’s a few things you need to consider with this one. First, the original MonStars used used a big line-up with Barkley, Bradley, and Ewing because they wanted the animated versions to look big and imposing. Gotta think they’ll do the same this time. Second, you need a token white guy and Blake Griffin doesn’t count. And third, if you’ve been following the Uncle Drew series you know Love has been pretty funny in that so going to a big movie isn’t much of a stretch for him.
SG-Dwyane Wade. If you think LeBron is gonna make a movie and not put his BFF Wade in it you clearly don’t know shit about the NBA, LeBron, or both. These two have been inseparable since the 2008 Olympic team. Wade already comes with a nickname (talking about when he was called Flash) so that’s another plus. I really wanted to put Kobe at this spot but I feel like people still hold that rape shit against him. Harden was another one that was tough to pass up because his Foot Locker commercials are on point, but LeBron is putting Wade in this movie. That’s a lock.
PG-Nate Robinson. Another tough choice just because Kyrie Irving is killing it in the Uncle Drew series and Chris Paul is way more marketable at the moment. But Nate Robinson is practically a cartoon character already so he gets the nod. Being 5’6″ and able to dunk already looks ridiculous so turning him into a cartoon shouldn’t be too hard. He’s also a pretty funny dude so kids are gonna love him.
Coach-Bill Murray. Easiest pick of the day. He’s with Wade as an 100% lock to make the movie. If Warner Bros. don’t bring Murray back in some sort of role they’re just setting themselves up for failure. If he played the role with some 4th-wall breaking lines it would make it even better (“I feel like I’ve done all this before” or something like that). No brainer pick.
Needs to be in the movie in some fashion:
- Michael Jordan. Along with Bill Murray, this is a no brainer. In some way, shape, or form, even if it’s only a brief cameo, Jordan needs to be in this movie. It would be a crime if he was left out because he still dresses like he’s in the 90s. He really never left Space Jam. He’s more important to this movie than all of the Looney Tunes combined.
- The original 5 Mon-Star targets. As far as I know none of them are dead so they need to get brought back for some sort of role. Barkley is a must because his debates with Shaq are the only thing that make TNT basketball bearable. Which leads me to…
- Shaq. How this movie was made the first time around without Shaq is a crime. Maybe he wasn’t as big a star back then because he was still in Orlando, but he is without a doubt one of the faces of the NBA. Every demographic knows who Shaq is and he is money with cameras on him. Best interview you’ve never seen:
So there’s my picks for the new Space Jam movie. Hopefully someone at Warner Bros. reads this and gives me some credit for picking the best possible cast for their new movie, but I doubt it. I will, however, bookmark this page so when the movie comes out and I was exactly right I can feel some false sense of superiority. I feel like in a few years I’m gonna need it because it’s all I’m going to have.
COME ON AND SLAM! IF YOU WANNA JAM!