Tag Archives: pizza

Subway has got to be kidding me with these ‘flatizza’ commercials

When I started this blog, I never imagined I would devote any time to dumb TV commercials. But ever since March Madness started I’ve basically been watching TV for 12 straight hours a day and have seen plenty of dumb commercials. The KFC ‘selfie’ commercials are pretty bad and absolutely relentless (there’s a new one every week it seems like), but these Subway commercials are in a class of their own.

First of all, where does Subway get off acting like they invented flatbread pizza? 10 seconds of Googling tells me some chick blogged a recipe for it over 2 years ago. You didn’t invent shit Subway. Unless by ‘invent’ you mean you combined the two words of something that already exists to pass it off as new. If that’s all invent means than I just invented a new sandwich. It has bacon, lettuce, and tomato and I call it the bacletto. This new and completely original sandwich was invented by me and only available at my restaurant.

Secondly, if Subway just came out and said “Pizza places are making sandwiches so we’re making pizzas now. Gotta diversify nigga”, I would have 1000% more respect for them. Completely missed the opportunity to get the Wu-tang Clan back on the air and that is straight up unforgivable.

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Toronto Raptor fans have been booing their team, after wins, because they didn’t get free pizza

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Article – In possibly the most absurd story of the week, Toronto Raptors fans have started a Twitter campaign and even a petition to end the pizza promotion at their home games. As of right now, if the Toronto Raptors win a home game AND score over 100 points, every fan gets a free slice of pizza. So every game that they don’t score 100 is met with boos, even if the team wins the game.

First of all, what the fuck Canada? Your whole shtick is that you’re a polite version of America so I have no idea where this shitty fan behavior is coming from. Being terrible fans and complaining about free things is as American as apple pie so don’t you dare try and steal this from us. I understand pizza is the greatest and most versatile food in history, but booing your division-leading basketball team just because you didn’t get a slice of it is about as shitty as it gets. Rioting over drive-thru level food is something that is exclusively American and something we take great pride in.

Secondly, your team is actually good Toronto. Enjoy it while you can. The only reason your team isn’t scoring over 100 every night is because they are 5th in the NBA in defense, holding opponents to 97 points a game. They don’t need to score 100 so they don’t. How about you just be thankful Canada is relevant in something other than hockey and shut the hell up. You’re bitching and moaning because your team is winning but you don’t get a free shitty snack after the game. It’s pretty stupid and you should feel stupid for doing it.

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Somehow this is disappointing to Canadians.

And finally, the most unintentional source of comedy in recent years has gotta any website that allows the public to create a petition. These websites connected people with opinions to the people who have the power to make changes, and nothing has gone right since. I feel like the general stupidity of the public was vastly underestimated (the fact that searching for “dumbest” or “stupidest petitions” turns up the same results on Google as “smartest” or “best petitions” is very disturbing). George Carlin was truly ahead of his time because he knew how stupid people were getting almost 24 years ago. If you haven’t seen this yet you’re welcome in advance:

“Think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize, half of them are stupider than that.” -George Carlin

Words to live, no matter who you are.